Forgiveness

I recently did something that I immediately regretted and of course, true to form, apologized to the person whose feelings I had hurt. It was someone very close, someone I love and trust and I suppose that's why somewhere in my tiny little subconscious I thought I could get away with being a brat.

The thing is when I apologized, this person who is warm and generous and who I truly believe thought she was letting me off the hook said "Oh, please, no need to apologize, I completely understand." The problem was that I didn't want to be understood for my outrageous behavior, I wanted to be forgiven.

It makes me realize that I have done the "no worries, no need to apologize" and left someone hanging as well. I think it is important to say to that person: "Thank you for the apology, I forgive you" because then they know they have been heard, acknowledged and, most important, absolved.

Forgiveness is a grace that we need to resurrect.

October Already

I can't believe we're three days into October. Man time flies.

Carl and I are out one yellow Xterra right now because he was in an accident last Thursday. He had made the light at Sunset and Laurel Canyon (travelling east on Sunset) and was inching along behind a line of cars. If you know that area of town, you know that at 10 p.m. on any night it's officially the border of the Sunset Strip and traffic can be miserable. Carl wouldn't normally be there but he had a wrap party for a trailer he shot this past summer. So he's sitting there and the light was still green behind him but there wasn't any room for another car to come through it - or so he thought - a 20-something from Colorado, not paying attention, had just come from the previous traffic light and whizzed through the green light at 45 and slammed into the back of Carl, sending him into the car in front of him, sending her into the car in front of her. 4 car pile up. If that wasn't annoying and jarring enough, little 20-something Julie Mack from Colorado got out of her car on her cell phone laughing and talking. When Carl asked her for her information, she handed him a stack of messy papers that he had to sift through to find her insurance, etc.

The truly galling thing though was that after causing three other drivers to slam into one another, she never said "I'm so sorry" "Are you alright?" and never once did she get off the cell phone.

DC

I leave for Washington D.C. tomorrow for 2 days. Get in Thursday night, shoot all day Friday, leave Saturday morning. The funny thing is I'm actually looking forward to it even though it's a working trip and mostly running around. I like DC, I like the vibe of the place. I like the history, both from a political stance and from a scandal view. It's a dirty little town wrapped in pretty white tissue paper.

Blotto Blogging

1. Don't drink and blog or I'll wake up at 4 in the morning and not be able to go back to sleep.
2. When I'm pissed off, look at the reason behind the anger. If it's embarrassment, don't write about it on a blog.
3. My parents and only a few random close friends read this blog - now they also share in this private little tidbit that I somehw believed was just between me and the ex.
4. I don't have to ever see any of these people again and if any of them comment on any of it or mention either of these entries I can actually decide to cut them off socially.
5. I am not allowed to delete either of these entries, just like I wouldn't be able to "unsend" a "drunk email" in order to more fully appreciate the moment.
6. Don't drink and blog or I'll have to get up at 6 in the morning to make amends.
7. Don't share anything with a spouse that I won't want them to tell their girlfriend after I'm gone.
8. Assure my parents that the palamino had nothing to do with delusions of being Catherine the Great - it wasn't that dream.
9. Vow to somehow live this down.
10. Don't drink and blog.

Boundarires - or corraling the Palamino

Did you really think I would appreciate a laugh at my expense? First of all, I'm broke. Second, you and I are still friends which means that there is a possiblity of spending time with your new love. It's all a question of supply and demand. I refuse to supply a laugh on demand. And I find it interesting that when I call your bluff, you want to muck your hand and hang up on me. I've played this game before -- okay all metaphor aside -- you told your girlfriend I dreamt about a Palamino years ago and now you laugh whenever you see that word on a sign.

I am a private joke.

Guess what?

That now makes me a public enemy....

Time Flies

I wrote the last post right before I left on a 6 day working cruise to Hawaii. I was the Production Coordinator for one of those silly dvds that they send out to travel agents to entice people to take the cruise. The good part was that it was Crystal Cruises, one of the top of the line, most expensive cruise lines and the food and alcohol was outrageous and, of course, free. Normally, alcohol is not, but what else was I going to do with my per diem? The bad part was that I was out on the ocean for four days, no land in sight and frankly, only got to look at the water very early in the morning and very late at night since I was working 14 hour days.

The Sunday I stepped off of a red-eye flight into LAX, I got a call regarding a documentary on PTSD. That evening I met with the Producer/Director and the next morning (March 19) was hired as Associate Producer.

So, needless to say, I've been a little busy the last several weeks.

It's odd to say I'm enjoying my experience on the documentary given the seriousness of the subject but one of the alleviating factors is that we're concentrating on successful treatments and the effect of spirituality on the ability to heal.

Finally, the fact is I just love working on documentaries. I love information. I love being a part of information dissemination and I love thinking that maybe I'm contributing to something that will ultimately help humanity.

Operator

I was driving home, listening to Jim Croce - I have a box set of his music - and it came to me on one of the songs that we no longer call people we miss or feel a need to connect with...we google them. I was guilty of that recently, after writing a poem about someone from my past, I googled her. I found out she's doing amazing things now. After googling, I emailed her. To tell her I was thinking of her, that she meant something to me, that I still think about her...and tonight, listening to Jim, I realized that I didn't truly try to get in touch with her, I simply electronically buzzed her.

Operator, oh could you help me place this call
You see the number on the matchbook is old and faded

A sort of chicken's way out, the way I see it now. I wish I had the courage to hear her voice, to connect in the most human way, the pauses, the awkward silence that may come with time...

Operator, oh could you help me place this call
'cause I can't read the number that you just gave me
There's something in my eye
You know it happens every time
I think about the love that I thought would save me

and I guess I just wish I were braver in this brave new world of google - brave enough to hear the smile in the silence and brave enough to admit that a silence with her is worth more to me than a safe email to a googled past.

Operator oh let's forget about this call
There's no one there I really wanted to talk to
Thank you for your time
Oh you've been so much more than kind
And you can keep the dime

Isn't that the way they say it goes
But let's forget all that
And give me the number if you can find it
So I can call just to tell them I'm fine and to show
I've overcome the blow
I've learned to take it well
I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn't real
But that's not the way it feels

I miss you, Ann.

Children of the Famous

Yesterday, Carl and I drove to Palm Springs to help with an interview of Daniel & John Dixon as part of a documentary by Jayne McKay. Daniel and John are the sons of the marriage between Maynard Dixon and Dorothea Lange. Both famous in their time (and beyond) for respectively, painting and photography. Daniel & John have both been interviewed numerous times about their famous parents and are now both in their 80s.

I think the most poignant moment in the interview was when Daniel said (and I'm paraphrasing) "Yes, I think about them a lot, sometimes I think that I thought too much about their impact and importance and forgot to think about what was important to me."

I suppose it's good to respect your parents and have a reverence for their struggles and triumphs but not to the exclusion of who you are, who you can be and what, you, as an individual, have to offer the universe. It's really all about sharing yourself, not your "legacy".

Homeopathic Apathy

I am catching a cold. I have been catching said cold since Sunday....well, actually the process probably started last Thursday when I stood in the rain for 11 hours repeating "Rolling! Quiet all around, please!" over and over. I didn't notice the scratchy throat until Sunday. On Monday, I remembered that the 1st AD the Thursday before told the Director (who had a cold) that he needed to get Zicam. Zicam is a miracle drug! Now, of course, Zicam does not cure the common cold - nothing does - except perhaps Hot & Sour Chicken Soup from House of Thai - but it claims to reduce the duration of the cold and the severity of the symptoms. I guess I can attest to the latter because for three days, I have merely had the nasal passages draining down the back of my very scratchy throat initial phase of a cold. As for reducing the duration I can only imagine that somehow miraculously this s*& feeling is going to go away without leading to the expected congested chest and coughing phase. Otherwise, I'm on day three of catching what is usually for me, a three day cold.

Middle Ground

If you're currently single and starved for affection, you're probably going to be highly annoyed by this blog and may as well stop reading now.

My husband is an incredibly romantic soul and the truth is PDA isn't in his vocabulary because he doesn't differentiate between public and private - thus Public Display of Affection doesn't mean anything to him. But that's not what this is about.

Everytime we sit out on the veranda (our term for the umbrella and table on the chunk of driveway next to the detached garage) and I get up to refresh my coffee or grab a kleenex or check my email, he says "Wait, wait..." and I have to go back and give him a kiss and/or a hug.

After 6 years of marriage, last night I told him I couldn't have kisses be mandatory anymore. As sweet as it is, it was making me crazy.

Am I evil?

Instead of Shaving My Head & Checking Into Rehab

I was feeling that in response to my new meditation practice and an adjusted life view I should make a radical change to my appearance....so I chose a different template...a little easier to read I think and I get to incorporate two of Carl's pictures, at left Northampton & at bottom Forest Fire - pretty cool.

Politics & film & blogging as we go...

I'm sitting watching Leonardo DiCaprio stand next to Al Gore telling me that the Oscars have gone green....my DP husband wonders if they have squirrels running the lights and cameras. I'm wondering if they count the fact that by closing Hollywood Boulevard for several blocks for over a week they actually caused people to be caught for an hour on Sunset and Santa Monica and Franklin simply trying to traverse from east to west and vice versa. Truly, I drove to my writers' group last Wednesday, something that normally takes 25 minutes and instead took an hour and 15 - why? Because they needed to close Hollywood Blvd. in front of the Kodak theater to get ready for Oscar. Oscar that somehow is green this year....does this include the Limos that lined up to drop their cargo? I'm just wondering...

A Prayer for Sanora Bartels

So I was catching up on Nicole's blog and saw her "What Book Are You?" entry. I remember doing that about a year and a half ago but decided to check it out again....here's what came up.

You're A Prayer for Owen Meany!

by John Irving

Despite humble and perhaps literally small beginnings, you inspire
faith in almost everyone you know. You are an agent of higher powers, and you manifest
this fact in mysterious and loud ways. A sense of destiny pervades your every waking
moment, and you prepare with great detail for destiny fulfilled. When you speak, IT
SOUNDS LIKE THIS!

I'm not sure if it's accurate but it is interesting - I wonder if the fact that I had just finished meditating when I took the quiz had anything to do with the outcome?


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Beginnings

Yesterday I attended a Labor Hearing in order to collect the money that was due to me on the job I posted about in my last post - phew that was a *&*ing long time ago! So not only was I basically slave labor for 8 weeks (I wrapped the movie after we finished shooting) but they failed to pay me for my last week and a half of work. I won my case and now I can say that they owe me even more but I'm not any closer to getting paid. After that movie I worked on a couple of other things - one as a 2d2d//Cast P.A. (got to hang out with Joe Mantegna) (yum) who is a wonderful, kind man and a true professional. I love it when the artist doesn't ruin the art for me. Then I did a couple of gigs for Spike TV and Nickelodeon doing little one-day t.v. promos - of course, since I was coordinating them one-day jobs means two to three weeks of prep (seriously). Then just after the new year I went on a location scout to NYC and DC for a film that basically hasn't been funded yet so although I got a fabulous paid working vacation in January before NY decided to have a real winter, for now it's not going anywhere.

During the last half a year, I've been feeling sort of adrift, lost as it were and not focused and I went through a depression that I couldn't shake. Then, at the end of January Carl and I were in a bookstore looking for wall calendars (I know, but they're cheaper after the new year) and as I was leaving because of course they were out of them, a book on a display table caught my eye. It was Catching the Big Fish by David Lynch and I picked it up and started reading it, then I bought it, brought it home and read it in an afternoon (it's the sort of book you can and want to do that with). It's all about his creative process and how it's been influenced by transcendental meditation. So after I read it, I went on a google search and looked at the TM site (eeewww) I don't know, it kind of creeped me out so I decided to search on "vedic meditation" because TM is based on vedic knowledge. I found this fabulous site and from February 11 through the 15th Carl and I attended vedic meditation classes (and at some point I hope to transcend while meditating). I'm not saying meditation is the answer to not feeling lost (although I can't even begin to tell you the difference it's made for me already) but I think it's going to lead me to the answer I have inside and in the meantime, I feel less like a wave about to crash onto the beach and more like a part of the ocean that comprises me that I comprise...anyway, that's where I'm at these days. How about you?