I've been thinking alot this weekend (uh-oh) about life and the goals we set for ourselves and dreams we have in our teens and twenties and how those look some 20 odd years later. It's interesting that as I get older, I don't want to give up on that "but something fantastic could happen right out of the blue!" feeling. It has abated, that's true enough. I think my first wake up call that life wasn't going to turn out the way I planned was at the end of my first marriage. That kind of thing takes the wind right out of your sails and leaves you flapping in the breeze for a while. Then three years later, I met Carl and that spark of "gee, life is grand" became an ember and with our wedding I was feeling the heat of flaming idealism at 39.
Now, I'm in my 40s. The truth is, I'm beginning to lose that feeling that things could change on a dime for the better. To clarify, I'm talking about creative life here. I'm talking about being creative every day and not worrying that the leaky front sprinklers are going to interfere with plans to take a vacation (because you don't have money for both). I'm talking about finally making a leap from being brilliant to being brilliant and getting paid for it! I'm talking about not just getting paid for what you love to do, but getting paid well.
I guess in L.A., it's all about the connection. Meeting someone who turns you on to some big opportunity. (Tough to do when I write in my back room all day....) And here I am probably preaching to the choir by blogging about it. Anyway, how's your life turning out? Is it what you expected? Is it better?
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Several lifetimes ago, there was a period that I went through where I lived week-to-Lottery-purchase-week, just waiting for my Big 6 to come in. I came to the slow realization that it would never happen for me that way; that I was going to have to work — and probably work HARD — for everything that would come my way. And that has come to pass.
Like a lot of my friends, my life now is nothing like what I imagined it would be when I was younger . . . and, like a lot of my friends, it has been a sometimes painful trip getting here. But I really do like my life now . . .
I still buy a Lottery ticket every once and a while, just in case.
I also had dreams about how I wanted my life to be. It didn’t happen the way I wanted.
When I think about where I am now and how it happened it scares me that one decision made all the difference in my life then and especially now. The only think I wanted was to learn English and here I am now in California. Not exactly living the American Dream and definitely not living where I was dreaming of. I stopped many times between Paris and L.A. So many things happened to me to finally be here today ( I will not go into details, it would be too long). I am glad I am here today. I’ve learned so much.
My point being: I still believe in fate and destiny. I know I might never do what I dreamed of doing and becoming, but I will be doing what I am supposed to do.
I also believe that things will not happen to me because I want them to happen. I must make things happen. Get out there and make it happen because nobody else will do it for me. I learned that from Chris and this is what I am trying to do for me now: to make things happen for me.
It is nothing I thought it would be. But it is wonderful. It only became wonderful when I finally stopped comparing the actual to the desired. Well, I must be truthful; it became wonderful when I stopped comparing the actual to the desired AS MUCH. :)
Isn't there a saying something to the effect of: "God's greatest gift is unanswered prayers"?
:-)
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